as with other aspects of life this “meantime” thing has stretched out far longer than my original expectations allowed. somewhere along the way i started to believe that i would eventually have these blinding moments of clarity and great understanding. i would begin to understand, at least on some level, the why’s of what got me to this point. i would learn lessons that would strengthen my journey from here on out. i would come to a point where i could say to myself (and maybe others), “ah. now i know why.” i would spend this time cleaning up my house. my finances. my health. my life. and i would be ready to move on with full force when the time came.
ummmm…
as much as i have struggled with the meantime, there have been moments here and there where i started to believe that the meantime might just be coming to an end soon and it would indeed be time to move on. i would have expected those moments to come with great anticipation- with relief. but those moments brought more fear. my check list was far from complete and in some cases far from having begun. there have been no lightning bolt life lessons or wide open understandings. i’m still hurt. i’m still mad. i still don’t understand why. and i just realized that i’m afraid. deep inside myself i am afraid it will all happen again. and this time i don’t know if i will have the strength to go back.
this week i fell in love with a beautiful piece of art- especially with the bright red words at the bottom of the page:
fearless is the new pretty.
no matter how long my meantime is, there is much i still need to work on. it is time to embrace this new pretty. it is time to deal with the yuck. in his poem, many red devils ran from my heart, poet stephen crane wrote:
Many red devils ran from my heart
And out upon the page,
They were so tiny
The pen could mash them.
And many struggled in the ink.
It was strange
To write in this red muck
Of things from my heart.
welcome to my muck. thanks for visiting.
kneelingbywildflowers 